


I find no peace (and all my war is done)

by Slowprogress



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke and Bellamy are bros, F/F, Gen, The people from the Ark are kinda a-holes, This is mostly Clarke sitting in the dark and brooding, but only at first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3514157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slowprogress/pseuds/Slowprogress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though the war is won, Clarke knows her people have somehow lost.  The mountain is taken, but it's not theirs and it never will be.  They have no home, but she will do what she must to give them one, even if it means asking Lexa for help.  She owes them that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly just going to be a shortish story about Clarke and how she finally accepts the role of leader. There will be a bit of Clarke/Lexa, but that'll come a bit later.

_I am become death, destroyer of worlds..._

She thinks about that quote a lot the first few weeks after they take the mountain. She thinks about it in the quiet of night, tired after spending her day arguing with her mother _again_ , when she's sat alone staring at the empty cages where she once found Anya tired and drained. She hides there, because as much as that mountain is now theirs, it doesn't feel like she belongs. The room with the cages, where the so called _savages_ were kept and tortured, that feels more familiar. Bellamy once said they were grounders now and it still rings true in Clarke's heart.

The minute they stepped foot on earth, the minute they became the sacrificial lamb, they stopped being a part of the Ark. They were grounders, because they bled and suffered and did truly despicable things to survive. Her mother and the rest came down from the sky with guns and supplies and the false belief that the ground somehow just _belonged_ to them. It didn't, they hadn't earned the right to call it that. They never paid the price like Clarke did, like so many of _her_ people did. So Clarke sits in the dark and stares at cages and thinks about the worlds she has destroyed, about war with grounders and then mountain men and how maybe, just maybe, she's thinking about starting another one with the survivors of the Ark.

It's been simmering since right after she left a trail of bodies that led to Cage. After Lexa left, after her betrayal, Clarke had found the thing inside herself that Lexa had been trying to show her: If she wanted to keep her people safe, she would have to be willing to sacrifice the good in herself and find the monster. Kind people did not win wars. Good people did not triumph simply because they were good. If she wanted her people to live, she would have to make the choices they never could. It would be her burden to bear, so that they could sleep at night. She never truly wanted it, but her hands were dirty now. She made her choice and because of that her people were alive when so many, most to be honest, of the mountain men weren't. Clarke killed the day they took the mountain, she killed many and indiscriminately, and she'll never close her eyes and not see the destruction she left in her wake. Same as 300 dead grounders around the drop ship, or 250 people lost in Tondc.

But her people are alive and she refuses to feel guilty about it. If she felt guilt, she might not make the same choices again and she might _have_ to for the sake of her friends.

It doesn't mean she can sleep, so she sits there and she thinks of how Abby, how her mother, is once again challenging her. How the people of the Ark are once again treating them like children now that they have their mountain fortress to hide in. They talk down to Bellamy when he's the one that risked everything to get into the mountain. They treat Jasper and Monty like a problem to be solved, ignoring their worth simply because they're young and don't look like good, strong soldiers. Octavia is seen as different, as the girl that was never one of them and never will be with her braided hair and sword strapped to her back. They look at her, at Clarke herself, like something wild and coiled just waiting to strike. Even her mother looks at her like that.

They're so far from the stars now, but they're still on the edge of being floated.

So she sits and she thinks and she plans. Her people, her _true_ people, need her again. There isn't another battle left in them, not so soon after everything, and she doesn't think it will come to that, but something has to change. They can't stay here though, not in this mountain that feels like a prison, but she doens't know where they can go. Or she does, but the bitter part of her heart that has survived and is still hurt, doesn't want to acknowledge that.

Lexa asked her, mere hours before she taught Clarke the hardest, cruelest lesson she could, to come to Polis.

In her heart she knows that if she were to take the 34 of her people that survived and find Polis, they would be welcomed. It wouldn't be a warm welcome, not by any stretch of the imagination, but they would be given a chance to carve out a home for themselves. Maybe not in Polis self, but if her people want to settle peacefully somewhere they would need permission from Lexa. It stung, but it was the truth of it. There were twelve clans, twelve territories, and they couldn't just settle anywhere they wanted to and not inadvertently threaten or offend whoever that ground belonged to.

A good leader knew when to spill blood, but also knew when it wasn't needed. Another lesson Lexa taught her, cruel as it had been. She could avoid trouble by simply asking for a chance, or she could stay and fight. It wasn't much of a choice really. Lexa _owed_ her after all.

"Clarke." She startles a little when Bellamy drops down next to her almost soundlessly, his shoulder warm when it settles against her own.

"Hey." She's not really surprised that he's found her, because she has never been her people's only leader, it's a shared burden between them.

He's quiet for a long time, but Clarke knows what he's going to say long before he finally sighs the words out. "We can't stay here anymore."

She sighs too, nods her head once. "I'm going to ask Lincoln to take us to Polis."

Bellamy leans back and stares at her, his eyes tired, but just a little bit hopeful. "It's a start, I guess."

She smiles a little at that, because she may be death, she may have destroyed worlds, but she's also capable of creating them. She has to be. The monster inside her is not the only thing her people will need from her, they need her heart as well.

"A start is all we need."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those that read and encouraged me to keep writing! I appreciate it.

They've been volunteering for guard duty for the last week, taking night shifts and spending most of that time sitting against a wall across from the containment room where the last of the mountain's people are being kept, making plans.

“Jasper's going to be a problem.” Bellamy says this with a tight jaw and a worried frown.

It's true; Jasper wont leave without Maya and Maya literally _can't_ leave. Unless they give her bone marrow there's no way to get her out of the mountain and Abby has forbade any of them volunteering for the operation. Clarke thinks it's stupid and unfair, because Maya played a big part in helping them take the mountain and now she's being held as basically a prisoner for her trouble.

“I know, but I think we both know there's an easy way to get him to agree. I've been thinking about Maya and I think we should stop asking my mother's permission to give her the bone marrow. Maya deserves to be free of this place, so I say we ask around who's willing to donate and we just _do_ it.”

She doesn't care if she has to stand in that operating room with a gun to her mother's head to make it happen, or if she has to try and do it herself, but it's happening.

“That's not the only thing, though, Clarke. When they got stuck in this mountain, we were still fighting a war with the grounders as far as they knew. It doesn't help that Octavia told them all about...” Clarke blanches when he trails off, knowing without hearing the words that he's too kind to say.

“How I killed so many people? How I made an alliance with the grounders and they left us to die anyway? You can say it, Bellamy, I'm well aware of the things I've done to get us this far.” She hates how angry she sounds, how quickly her hackles rise, and when Bellamy rests his hand heavily on her shoulder she regrets it immediately.

“Princess, _no_. They know you did what you had to do to get them out, it's just that they haven't had time to adjust to the idea of the grounders being anything but the enemy. They're just scared, because they've been burned so many times before, and the fact that Lexa royally screwed you over once before is just. Well. It's not really encouraging, is it? I mean how do we know she'll even help? I don't think it's unreasonable for them to feel like that.” He squeezes her shoulder once and drops his hand, gives her a half smile. “It's not you they don't trust, it's everyone else.”

Clarke swallows down the bitter taste of her own disappointment at the reminder of what Lexa did to her. To _them_. Bellamy's right. She doesn't actually know if Lexa will give them any aid, she's mostly banking on her feeling guilty for hurting Clarke and the sad thing is she's not sure Lexa is capable of that. She's not sure Lexa truly regrets hurting her if it meant saving her own people, even though she said she was sorry. And that thought? It _burns_ her.

“God, they're right. I don't know if she'll help us, I don't know that we wont be told to leave the minute we get there, or even worse. I don't know, Bellamy, but what choice do we have? We can't stay here, we can't really go anywhere without pissing someone else off. We're just stuck right now and it's going to blow up in our faces sooner rather than later.”

They're forever stuck between something bad and something worse. Rock and a hard place, that's all they've known for so long now.

“Well, look, I say we go for it. I mean she let Lincoln come back the next day and she didn't stop Echo when she offered to help him. That was against her deal with Cage, so it's gotta count for something. And if it doesn't, screw her and all the rest of them, we made it those first few weeks on the ground with no ones help. We can do it again. Our people are strong together, Clarke, end of the day that's all that matters really.”

She can't help laughing then, probably the first time it's happened since the day she saw her friends again.

“You really do love your rousing speeches, don't you?”

He smirks, wide and boyish, a little bit of a reminder of the jerk he was when they first landed here. “Hey, we all have our talents. There's no shame in letting them shine.”

Clarke _shudders_ to think what her talents are these days.

“Ok then, sparkle away I guess.”

The sound of his laughter is at least a little bit comforting.

\- & -

“You and my brother are up to something.”

Octavia sounds angry and accusing. Most days she doesn't bother to talk to Clarke and when she does, it sounds like every word is torn from her throat against her will.

Clarke wonders how she can still be so innocent. Octavia, more than any of them, embraced the grounders and their ways. She wore their paint and took up arms for them, but she still seemed surprised when innocent blood had to be shed. She isn't all that much younger than Clarke, but maybe that's what being locked away your whole life does to you. Maybe she spent those years dreaming and imagining a life that she only ever heard about second hand or in stories. Clarke highly doubts Bellamy ever taught his sister about how people aren't innately kind, or good. Or maybe he did and she just never fully understood that until they found her under that floor.

Octavia wanted to win wars, but she wanted to do that with honour. There was no honour in war was the problem, so she still looked at Clarke like she was disgusted by her mere presence. It made for very awkward dinner conversations.

“We are.” Clarke doesn't see the point in lying to her when they'll need both Octavia and Lincoln's help eventually.

“If you get him hurt, I'll end you.” The fact that Octavia is emphasizing her point with a knife against Clarke's neck is still slightly surprising.

“Octavia, if there's one thing I can promise you today, it's that I wont willingly hurt any of you again. I'll burn the world down for you, but I won't sacrifice the people we have left. You might not like that, or me, but the reality of it is you need me. You need _the_ _monster_ , so please put down the knife and let me tell you what we're planning.”

She expects more anger, more arguing. What she does not expect is Octavia's eyes suddenly brightening with tears.

“Is this what it's come to, Clarke? Is this really who you want to be?” She lowers the knife, but her other hand reaches up and lays itself against Clarke's cheek. “We're not her, we're better than that, ok? You're better than that. Finn lost who he was down here, don't go and do that too.”

Everything inside her contracts into one, painful point. No, this wasn't who she was. She can't quite remember who she was before all of this started, but she knows she'll never be that person again. It's too late for that. Bellamy once said that if his mother knew the person he had become, she'd be ashamed of him. Clarke is afraid to think what her father would say if he saw her today.

She pulls Octavia to her and runs a hand down her still braided hair. To her credit she doesn't sob or wail, but Clarke can still feel the damp of her tears against her shoulder.

“I'm so sorry I've disappointed you.”

She doesn't really know if she's saying the words to Octavia or to a father long dead now. Maybe it doesn't matter, it wouldn't really change anything.

“This _world_ has disappointed me. That first day? That first day when Bell let me step out ahead of everyone else? I thought I was free. I thought we were going to build a home here, but this place doesn't want us. These _people_ don't want us, Clarke. I thought I could do this, but I don't want to have to kill and fight every single day just to barely live, to just get by. It isn't worth it.”

More than ever, Clarke knows now they're doing the right thing. She'll go and she'll beg if she has to, but her people deserve peace. They deserve a place to stay, a place where they can make a home for themselves. They need the promise of a better future.

“That's what Bellamy and I are trying to do, Octavia. We're trying to find peace, but it's not here. We're going to Polis and I'm going to ask Lexa for land. Or at the very least permission for our people to stay somewhere on one of the other clan's territories.”

Octavia pulls away, her face twisted with disbelief. “You're going to ask Lexa? She betrayed us, Clarke! She left us for dead and now you're going to ask her for help, again? Haven't you learned _anything_?”

She knows that if Octavia doesn't go for this, if she doesn't understand, then there's no point to even trying, because without Octavia there's no Bellamy. Without Bellamy there's no Miller or Munroe. They need all their people, because Bellamy was right about one thing; they're stronger together.

“She left us for dead, that's true, but she didn't raise her sword against us either. We need that now, Octavia. We don't need to trust her, or to depend on her, we just need her to not fight us. If we want to live in this world, if we want to make a part of it our own, we'll have to deal with her. With _all_ the grounders. So we are going to go to Polis and we are going to show them we're not a threat. We don't have any other choice, do you see that?”

Octavia nods her head slowly, unwillingly. “Will they even go for it though? We don't have anything to offer them and even when we did, it wasn't good enough.”

This is the part that Clarke hasn't told anyone, not even Bellamy, and she isn't sure if she wants to. So much depends on whether or not Lexa truly meant it when she said she cared about clarke, or if she was truly sorry for hurting her.

“Lexa...Lexa she's hard and she's ruthless. I don't doubt that if she had to, she would kill each and every one of us if it somehow benefited her people.” Octavia scowls again, but before she can interrupt Clarke shakes her head. “She's also just a person and people? People feel things whether they want to or not.”

“I don't understand.”

Clarke sighs and tries to ignore the strange sensation that she's somehow giving something away by telling Octavia this.

“She kissed me. She kissed me and she asked me to come to Polis with her. I think if I ask her for this, if I ask her for _anything_ that doesn't directly affect her people, she'd give it to me.”

Octavia physically pulls away from her and gives her the look again. The one that says she's disgusted by the fact that she's even in the same room as Clarke.

“You're risking everything, everyone, on that? You think she'll do what you ask, because she has a _crush_ on you?!”

The words sit heavy on her chest, but she forces them out anyway.

“No, I think she'll do it, because she loves me.”

Octavia doesn't say anything else, just stares at Clarke for another few seconds before she turns and walks away.

She watches her until she turns the corner and then keeps looking at the empty space she left behind. Octavia is right, she's risking everything on a mere assumption, but as much as Clarke herself keeps doubting it, it somehow keeps ringing true; Lexa cares.

She must, because how else can Clarke explain the echo of that feeling within herself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, at least this chapter is a little bit longer. I like Octavia and I hope I haven't made her seem weak here, but I wanted to show that her anger at Clarke isn't unfounded. Anyway, hope you liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
